Derek Pringle: Graham Gooch's French lets him down

While on a beano to Champagne in France with the Essex cricket team, I found myself in a bar with some of my team mates. 

We’d been there about 20 minutes when Essex’s captain, Graham Gooch, arrived with his partner, Julia. As one of the few drinking beer he asked me what it was.

“It’s wheat beer, Goochie, have a taste,” I said, and he did. 

“That’s nice, I’ll have one of those,” and promptly went to the bar to order that and a gin and tonic for Julia.

This being France he tried out his Essex French.

“Er…monsieur, monsieur, erm… une gin tonique et wheat beer s’il vous plait.”

Imagine then the horror on Goochie’s face, him being one of those allergic to buying big rounds, when one G&T arrived and eight beers.

“What’s goin' on?” he asked the barman suddenly reverting to the full Essex, “You’re 'aving a larf aren’t you?”

“Non monsieur. Vous avez commande une gin tonique et huit bieres,” said the barman. "Ici une gin tonique et huit bieres - un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit.”

Raising his glass he said: “Here’s to a penis Madame, vive la difference.” 

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